THERE ARE WORDS!

 

Contrary to what some sympathy cards say, there are over 600,000 words in the OED. 

But which ones should we say to someone who is struggling?

A friend just told me he has cancer.  Several of my friends have recent diagnoses. Other friends have other illness, aches, pains, and profound losses. I spend a lot of time arranging words on a page (aka writing). I still don't know how to say--or even what I want to say to these people. 

Now that I'm back in the cateogry where people express sympathy to me, you might think I'd know what helps, what hurts, and what's just pure Hallmark.

For a while I thought, 'I'm sorry you have to go through this' worked well. Expressing sympathy is good. Also 'going through' implied that this was a bumpy, but temporary, part of life's journey. The road ahead would be better. After I said that--and heard it from people--the phrase lost its power. Overuse had diluted its meaning. 

So what do I recommend? What do I want people to say to me? What to I want to say to others? What ARE the words?

Alas, there is no magic sentence. No acronym, meme, or emoji. But I do have a little advice.

Be specific to the person and their circumstances. That's true for any good communication, whether you're telling jokes or making a persuasive argument.

Pay attention to the individual you are talking to. Do they want to be helped? Heard? Hugged? And don't ask them that exact question which, I fear, has already become a cliché since I read it in the New York Times a few months ago. 

Have a conversation. Don't just hand someone words on a platter. Listen to them. Empathize with them.

And please do reach out. I have sometimes been silent for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Yes, communicating is hard. But it isn't harder than whatever your friend is going through.

FORGIVENESS

 FORGIVENESS? That’s an unusual topic. I didn’t expect to be thinking about that!

An old log, battered by the waves, comes to rest upon the shore, and somehow sprouts new growth.

 

Forgiveness, however, is a huge step on my journey to . . . what exactly? Recovery? Health? Accepting this altered life. So okay then. Here goes.

I forgive the Universe. Whoa – pretty grandiose, there, Jane! But I do. I forgive the flaw in its design that means battling for life isn’t always straightforward. We must be on guard against these sneaky little mutant cells. I suppose I must forgive those mutations too, because humans wouldn’t even be here if cells didn’t change over time.

I forgive my ancestors. Actually I don’t need to forgive them because it turns out I didn’t inherit my mutants. Even if I had the notorious BRCA gene, I still forgive whoever gave it to me. They also gave me the parts of myself I like.

I forgive the poisoners. I don’t want to, but I do. The ones who didn’t care about the environment in which we live. The ones who didn’t know the consequences of pollution. The ones who did know but preferred to ignore it. The ones who are still spewing poison.

I forgive the people who helped me and the people who are still helping me and the people who sincerely believe they are helping me. There are limits to what anyone can do.

I’m trying to forgive myself. This is the hardest of all. I can forgive my sins against healthy living. Others indulged in riskier behavior and aren’t battling cancer. It’s harder to forgive myself for squandering this gift of life. Why haven’t I done more? Why didn’t I make more of a contribution? Even having a few hobbies would be money in the sense-of-self bank. Sadly I had let my account dwindle.

But hey, who knows, this may in fact be the perfect time to reinvent myself!

As Machiavelli said, “Never waste the opportunity offered by a good crisis.”

Rahm Emanuel interpreted that to mean, “Take this opportunity to do things that you think you could not do before.”

So I will! Because I can! So far, the health report is pretty good. My body is coping with the drug. Blood counts are normal. My physical therapist and my oncologist are happy. So am I—sometimes.

And on the days when I’m not, I forgive myself for that too.