THERE ARE WORDS!

 

Contrary to what some sympathy cards say, there are over 600,000 words in the OED. 

But which ones should we say to someone who is struggling?

A friend just told me he has cancer.  Several of my friends have recent diagnoses. Other friends have other illness, aches, pains, and profound losses. I spend a lot of time arranging words on a page (aka writing). I still don't know how to say--or even what I want to say to these people. 

Now that I'm back in the cateogry where people express sympathy to me, you might think I'd know what helps, what hurts, and what's just pure Hallmark.

For a while I thought, 'I'm sorry you have to go through this' worked well. Expressing sympathy is good. Also 'going through' implied that this was a bumpy, but temporary, part of life's journey. The road ahead would be better. After I said that--and heard it from people--the phrase lost its power. Overuse had diluted its meaning. 

So what do I recommend? What do I want people to say to me? What to I want to say to others? What ARE the words?

Alas, there is no magic sentence. No acronym, meme, or emoji. But I do have a little advice.

Be specific to the person and their circumstances. That's true for any good communication, whether you're telling jokes or making a persuasive argument.

Pay attention to the individual you are talking to. Do they want to be helped? Heard? Hugged? And don't ask them that exact question which, I fear, has already become a cliché since I read it in the New York Times a few months ago. 

Have a conversation. Don't just hand someone words on a platter. Listen to them. Empathize with them.

And please do reach out. I have sometimes been silent for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Yes, communicating is hard. But it isn't harder than whatever your friend is going through.